I am in an 8-year reunion with my son from a closed adoption. I have thought of him every single day of his life. I grieve what we lost and some of the heartbreaking situations he has had to maneuver to be in a reunion with his first family. I spent the first 5 years of our reunion crying and berating myself for not keeping him. I still do at times. There will always be situations that arise that are so painful to navigate and I worry about his feelings constantly. I could barely get out of bed the first 2 years of reunion. How does a mother leave her child? It is not natural. I felt unworthy to be his mother when he was a baby and that unworthiness doesn’t magically disappear in reunion. We were counselled to believe our unworthiness. It has been a very slow process yet I know I am his mother.
Hindsight is 20/20. I had no idea how disempowered I was as a young woman. Nor how perseverant I could be. We would have been ok.
Many years after my son was born my father apologized for how he handled my pregnancy and subsequently the adoption. He deeply felt the loss of his grandson and we initiated a reunion together. Yet, were counselled (same adoption agency) that my son was to young. He was 18 at the time. Unfortunately, antiquated advice. My father passed before reunion.
I have learned through family constellation work (Bert Hellinger) that loss and child/separation from mother runs in families and is passed down through the generations until a light is shined on this pattern. It is my hope to bring awareness to others.
This piece was submitted anonymously.